Ah, Rick Nash. Remember on trade deadline day when he was the talk of the town, the veritable belle of the ball, and yet he ended up not switching dance partners? Well, now in this offseason, the talks are back in full swing, baby. I’ve seen a lot of speculation about the Bruins picking him up, which is really odd because to me the price is way too high–and that’s only in terms of trade, not in terms of his salary/cap hit. (Columbus wanted two of these three: Milan Lucic, Tyler Seguin and/or Dougie Hamilton; one of either Jared Knight or Ryan Spooner plus a first-round draft pick, according to things I’ve seen, and it is literally just laughably absurd.)
But it got me to thinking–has Columbus GM Scott Howson been shopping around? Maybe he’s been sending out feelers to each team. Let’s take a look at the pitches he’s made to all 29 other teams. Please note that, to our knowledge, all of these are not real. Although…who knows…?
Anaheim: Disneyland tickets, the chance to gaze into Bobby Ryan‘s eyes and Angels tickets with free hot dogs and beer.
Boston: See above, plus free cannoli from Mike’s Pastry (Mike Modano tested and approved!)
Buffalo: A lifetime supply of Buffalo wings and keys to the pool at Patrick Kane‘s house.
Calgary: VIP access to the Calgary Stampede–and a hug from Jarome Iginla. (Actually, who wouldn’t want that?)
Carolina: Unlimited barbecue and courtside tickets to his choice of Duke or UNC basketball games.
Chicago: The entire core of the team and Lollapalooza VIP tickets.
Colorado: Landeskoging lessons from Gabriel Landeskog himself, free Coors beer and royalties for every time someone says “Tap the Rockies”.
Dallas: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and Kari Lehtonen.
Edmonton: All the Timbits he could ever want, even in flavors that might not be around anymore, handmade by the Kid Line (Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle) because of course they’d be part of the deal too.
Florida: Lifetime VIP access to every club and bar in South Beach (hanging with Lebron James optional) and the chance to gaze upon Jose Theodore‘s beauty.
Los Angeles: The keys to the kingdom–knowledge of who runs the @LAKings Twitter account. Oh, and unlimited chances to hobnob with celebrities.
Minnesota: The entire Minnesota State Fair. All of it. Forever.
Montreal: Unlimited smoked meat sandwiches from Schwartz’s Deli, unlimited poutine and rodeo lessons from Carey Price.
Nashville: An endless supply of barbecued ribs, the chance to duet with Carrie Underwood and the fossil that inspired the Predators name.
New Jersey: Zach Parise. Of course. But also Cory Booker–because you never know when you might need a SuperMayor.
New York Islanders: Nassau Coliseum cupcakes, a sick awesome sleeve tattoo from the team’s official tattoo artist and…wait…Aidan Grabner? Is he serious?!?!
New York Rangers: An exclusive concert that Henrik Lundqvist performs in, plus the rest of the team, basically.
Ottawa: Unlimited Beaver Tails and private access to skate on the Rideau Canal every winter.
Philadelphia: An hour-long lecture delivered by Ilya Bryzgalov about the universe, unlimited cheesesteaks and a guest appearance on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Phoenix: The secret to Shane Doan‘s longevity, ability to control the coyote howling sound and Mike Smith.
Pittsburgh: A lifetime supply of Primanti’s sandwiches and a sleepover at Mario Lemieux‘s house.
San Jose: The recipe to In-N-Out Burger’s spread as well as everything on their secret menu.
St. Louis: A puppy hand-rescued by David Backes and unlimited tickets to the Gateway Arch.
Tampa Bay: Steven Stamkos and permission to operate the Tesla coils in Tampa Bay Times Forum whenever he pleases (admit it, that would be pretty cool).
Toronto: James Reimer and permission to have sleepovers at the Hockey Hall of Fame.
Vancouver: Roberto Luongo.
Washington: Rides around DC on Mike Green‘s scooter – with Green as the driver.
Winnipeg: A lifetime supply of moose meat and the jet plane that inspired the Jets name–the actual one–along with a crew of RCAF pilots.