Posted by: Adventures in Pucking | June 23, 2011

NHL Awards Postmortem

Emma: Well then. One lesson we’ve learned tonight? I am terrible at predicting award winners. I predicted 4 out of 12 correctly. Yowch. But here are some other notes I took during the awards.

Okay, you know what? NHL? Don’t invite Jay Mohr back next year. Disgustingly unfunny (dude, a Tracy Morgan impression? Have you read the news lately?) and probably not much of a hockey fan himself (why would you hate on goalie fights? Goalie fights are awesome), he saw fit to insult four different teams: the Panthers, Islanders, Oilers and…Thrashers. I literally bellowed “OH HELL NO!” at my TV when he let loose with that “Let’s applaud Gary Bettman [honey have you ever watched a game?] because he’s so nice, so nice so that he gave me Thrashers season tickets!”

Here’s the deal, jerkbag. I was a 2011-12 season ticket holder. Until today, when my account executive called me while I was at a Kohl’s and told me he was going to set my full refund in order. Knowing that it’s truly, actually, really over and that I’ll never get the season I hoped and dreamed of with the season ticket I was so proud to have bought was so terrible to bear that I almost broke down crying in the department store. What a hilarious basis for a joke!

Or the worst kind of closure ever.

No, you know who should host next year? An actual player. Someone who knows the game in and out, who doesn’t feel the need to make cheap jokes about teams because they know how hard it is to actually be on the ice, who won’t mispronounce anyone’s names (although Jeff Skinner’s epic fumble of Michael Grabner’s name, when the announcer had just said it correctly and when they did a photo shoot together the day before, was pretty weird). Wait…I have an idea. You know who should host next year?

Ryan vs. Ryan part trois.

Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf. Make it happen, NHL. By the way, their Ryan vs. Ryan was hilarious. I did wonder where the tricycles went, though. I saw pictures of them on tricycles. Whatever, Bobby Ryan winked at us and a banana was involved and there were great shenanigans. They can totally make the dual-host thing work, unlike James Franco and Anne Hathaway at this year’s Oscars (had you successfully blocked out the memory of that, too? Sorry).

As for musical performances, well, at least Dierks Bentley is a fan, right? But I wasn’t as much into Far East Movement and their grammatically-incorrect song title. Next year, they should get Lady Gaga. How amazing would that be? It would start a lot of watercooler chat. Or, if she demands too much money, just do it super duper Vegas style, bring out a karaoke machine and let players come up and sing.

Also, if we’re going to have women present the Lady Byng (I see what you did there, NHL), could we at least get some women who don’t look and sound like they’re on a potent mix of painkillers and alcohol? Those Real Housewives had the most stilted, wooden delivery of all time. Or if we’re going to stick with Real Housewives, go for ones from Atlanta, because at least they’re funny.

All of them if possible, but if I had to choose, I'd pick Kim, Nene and/or Phaedra.

Also, for maximum hilarity, run the entire awards show with two different reaction shot cameras: one trained on Jonathan Toews and one on Tim Thomas. Their reactions were some of the funniest things of the night–since Mohr’s jokes were about as lousy as they get.

Krista: I got 5 out of 12 right (I like to think it was because of Disco Dan), but that’s still less than 50 percent. And I swear that Jay Mohr was drunk. For pity’s sake, he mispronounced Yzerman’s last name wrong and then called out the people who complained about it! Oy, jerk, go play somewhere else.

Is it just me, or did Roberto Luongo have a ticked-off look on his face? I’m glad he conceded that Tim Thomas was more deserving of the Vezina. It’s just that he couldn’t contain his contempt for the Bruins – it showed on his face.

I agree with Emma that there should be players who host the show, namely Getzlaf and Ryan. They can just extend the whole competition thing to bits throughout the show.

I watched the last half hour of the red carpet show and was disappointed that no one interview bombed Ryan Kesler. That would’ve been comedy gold right there.

One last thing: As much as I respect him for being my captain, I can’t stand looking at Jonathan Toews right now. I read a quote from him shortly after that City Which Shall Not Be Named robbed Atlanta of its team, and I guess he forgot how it felt to have your team relocated. I think the only way he can redeem himself to me is if he stood in the middle of Centennial Park with a sign around his neck saying “I’m from Winnipeg, and I didn’t care that you lost your team. Please feel free to spit on me.”

Just wanted to put a really derpy picture of Tazer here, because sometimes he can be Captain Seriously Stupid.

P.S. If Corey Crawford has an awesome season and is passed up for the Vezina, I will set Gary Bettman on fire. Thank you.


Responses

  1. As a Thrashers fan, I would have been insulted if he DIDN’T make jokes about the Thrashers. And the biggest one was a stab at Winnipeg.


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